OCD!

Today I'm gonna talk about my OCD. Every day I have a routine of things that I have to do. I get obsessions and thoughts that wont go away easily. Terrible thoughts that something horrible will happen or has happened and the only way to ease my anxiety in these thoughts is through a compulsive behavior that in my mind counteracts the fear.

I'm not a chronic hand washer... but if I feel like my hands have been contaminated, I have to wash them before I can safely touch anything clean without feeling like I will also contaminate that. If I don't wash off the contamination, I fear I will immediately make myself ill or poison someone I love. things that contaminate my hands include anything dirty, dirty laundry, the toilet, door handle or light switch in the toilet, left over or old food, other peoples hands, feet, animals, anything oily including lotion, door handles in public places, bits of hair, dust and anything with a slightly odd smell. I wash my hands thoroughly between all my fingers, under every finger nail and briskly on the palm all the way up on the wrist. I have to use warm water and soap and dry with a clean towel or a paper towel or MY towel. If I dry anything on a towel that has a funny smell I have to start all over again.

Cups and silverware are a huge problem for me. Sometimes Ill go through a whole stack of spoons just to find one that I feel is not contaminated. Its contaminated if there is a bit of food on it, if it has touched a counter that isn't clean, if its got a fingerprint or a smudge, rust or even if its shaped funny sometimes. With a cup I routinely have to choose my cup with a ritual. I grab a cup and look inside it to make sure there's no hairs, dust or food particles visible. Then I smell the inside of the cup, blow in it and smell it again to make sure it doesn't smell funny or soapy. Then I blow in the cup again and look at it under the light so that the fog from my breath makes enough condensation to see if there are any hidden water spots or fingerprints I have looked over. If it clears these tests, I can safely use the cup. This does not apply to plastic disposable cups or silverware, I can use those without checking them. If I have to rinse one out, I have to rinse thoroughly for a couple minutes until I feel it squeaky with no particles whatsoever on my fingers. When I dry it off I have to use a clean towel that has no funny scent and doesn't leave fuzz on the cup. I cant dry off the inside of the cup, so I tip the water out and shake as much of the tap water out of the cup as I humanly can. And I double check it again right before I use it. Paper towels are the least contaminated. Regular towels are dangerous and usually contaminated.

I cant eat food that has anything weird on it. If it has a taste or texture I don't like, if I think its gone off, if I find a hair in it. It cant touch the counter or anywhere contaminated or I cannot eat it.

Washing in the shower is another issue for me. People wonder why it takes me forever in the shower... nasty people have even speculated that I do nasty things in there because I'm in there for so long. They don't understand the gravity of the ritual I have to clean myself in. Whenever I wash my hair I have to make sure I get the entire scalp with a fully lather-able amount of shampoo, and scratch the surface of the scalp to remove every bit of dead skin and oil possible. This process can take awhile. I have to rinse my hair until it feels absolutely squeaky and soap less and I am able to ensure myself there is no oil left in the hair or on the scalp. If I feel oil, I must shampoo again and rinse again. Conditioner has to be completely rinsed out with no sign of the slimy feeling left in the hair, again it must be squeaky feeling and not at all oily. When I was my body I have to use a soap that has no oil base and can be entirely washed squeaky clean off of me and I pay special attention to my neck, back and chest where I feel it can get most oily. I wash my face with the same kind of soap in the same way, exfoliating the skin in little circles with my fingernails with special attention on my forehead, scalp line, nose and chin where the oil is the worst. I again have to rinse it off squeaky clean and if I still feel oil, I have to rewash it. If I don't have the right soap for my face, I use toothpaste.

Brushing my teeth I have to get ever crevice for several minutes to make sure to remove every scrap of plaque possible. I also HAVE to brush my tongue completely clean and sometimes the toothbrush makes me nearly vomit.

After a shower I cant wear clothes that have been worn. They must be clean fresh clothes or Ill have to shower again because the dirty clothing will contaminate me, even if I only previously wore them for only a few moments.

Before I put my feet on any furniture I have to wipe the bottom of them so I don't bring crumbs or dirt to where I'm relaxing. Otherwise Ill contaminate the area and Ill have to clean it off before I can be comfortable relaxing. I cant relax also if there are things in shopping bags unpacked, things not put away or my area is crowded with clutter.

Being at another persons house will freak me out. I'm afraid of their things and I try to not do anything without being asked, and will wait for an offer before I do/eat/use anything, even if its making me uncomfortable and sick. I have gone really low blood sugar at peoples house to the point of nearly fainting, without asking for food or a drink sometimes. Ill give myself an annurism trying to hold pee before Ill make myself use a public toilet and I have to squat and not touch the seat and choose a toilet that looks clean and flushed before Ill even attempt to go and I have to scrub my hands to death afterward and cant touch the door handle without a paper towel. The public restrooms with blowers instead of paper towels are really difficult to get out of. I also cant touch doors and things in hospitals or clinics, or at the pharmacy. Shopping carts are also very contaminated.

When I smoked, I had to blow on the end of my cigarette after lighting it to make sure its fully lit. I cant allow anyone else to light my cigarette for me because they will do it wrong and Ill have to relight the fucker.

I cant drink after people or eat after people. They backwash and leave things floating in their drink. I never leave anything floating in my drink. I cant have a bite of their food because they slobbered on their fork and it is therefore contaminated.

When driving, if I hit a speed bump, I will occasionally convince myself that I have run someone over and have to circle the block a few times to triple check that it was a bump and not a human. When I lock my car I have to lock it three times and check the handle to make sure it worked, or I believe clowns (literal circus clowns) will come and steal my car.

I have to drink coffee every day or I feel depressed and incomplete. I always have to know where my spouse is or I get scared that they are being hurt or dying alone and I panic and sometimes start crying. If the news says something happened somewhere near someone I care about, I have to follow the news until all victims are identified and I have to contact loved ones and check on them until I know they are safe.

This and much much more. But those are the main ones that interfere with my life :P This concludes todays thing Im not amused with. -HK

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Its bee like 3 mos. since I last posted anything here. Guess I was busy or tired or bored of blogging. A few new things, Im in my third trimester now, still waiting on baby. Its getting big. Im pretty convinced its a boy, but we'll see. We dont have everything ready yet but working on it. Ive gotten a few really lovely gifts from family, mostly baby clothes. Lovey and I found an adorable superman onesie with a detachable cape and had to have it! We were thinking what if its a girl? But it was decided that even a girl can wear a superman costume. Maybe I can find a cut little blue baby skirt to go over it for a girl... either way, its fricken adorable.

We got a nice stroller, four wheels cause I cant stand the look of the new jogger ones. We got it for $50. Its gently used, nice, and after washing the dust off the interior of it its really clean and perfect. I didnt want to have anyone spending $300 on something baby grows out of in a short time. Were doing the same thing with the car seat. $55 and we can pick it up this week. Im hoping its in just as nice condition as the stroller. Of course I made sure it was never in any accidents as well and not broken at all. I dont anticipate being in the car all that often though, as we usually ride the bus and Ill want to do alot of walking to lose the weight after the baby arrives.

Other than my symptoms, not much has changed lately. Lovey had high blood pressure for a minute but the doctor is fixing him all up. Ive been swiping his t-shirts cause my clothes have stopped looking flattering on my big tummy. Everyone on my facebook wants to see pics of me pregnant and ugh! I feel awkward being looked at so I havent posted any yet. Just waiting on bub now... only a couple months left.

Oh yeah, the world is suppose to end next month again. Good times.

This concludes my boring update... -HK

eclipse

I went outside when the eclipse was happening, but there was a layer of overcast on top of it :P So the few pics I got sucked mostly but a couple were interesting enough to post.

Im weak though lol... and went back inside cause it was so cold out... and in the kitchen, the camera got a little light show...

And Mr. Meow Meow Robert kitty was following us lol.


short post I know lol. Lifes amazing fun. see you again soon.

Between God, Satan and science

Over tea (dinner) tonight, a discussion came to life about religion and other interesting things. My lovey showed me a very interesting Youtube video called the unfunny truth about Scientology. I always knew they were quite a bit off, via Tom Cruise vs. Oprah's poor couch. But I had no idea they were a dangerous cult that sucks people dry of their munnies and lets them rot and die. My mom was reading L. Ron Hubbard's dianetics books for awhile there and even though shes been a little off, while reading those books she seemed to me to be more cuckoo than ever. I'm glad she stopped, even if it means shes now a Jehovah's Witness. I think Scientologists are even more shady than actual real Satanists. Ive read some of the Satanic Bible by Anton Lavey and the rules for Satanism are seemingly much more humane.


I fancy myself a bit of 3 things... I was raised Irish Catholic and have a deep rooted feeling that there is some kind of higher power or deity, but in no way do I believe God is Catholic lol. Im also a firm believer in some of the rules of Satanism. I mean really, being completely self sacrificing in this generation will get you nowhere but miserable, used and wiped out. So yeah you have to get what you want and need, even if it means that sometimes someone isn't going to be too happy with you. But, that doesn't mean taking advantage of weak people, it just means you fight harder against strong people in the world of capitalism. Third, I believe in science. I have no idea weather we were created intelligently or evolved but, I like things to be proved to me before I believe them and I really hate all the hype about predictions and all the fear and intimidation that goes into religious belief. I mean really, would a loving God really allow so much suffering? Its just so strange to me. So I guess I'm all 3, believer, Satanist and atheist at the same time.

With all this mentioned we searched up 2012 too, and I found an interesting point, if lining up with the milky way was so dangerous, wouldn't the other planets in our solar system experience wicked polar flips and Armageddons when they themselves line up?


As for Brother Harold Camping that predicted the rapture last month... did you all hear, he has suffered a mild stroke that left his speach messed up just 19 days after his prediction flopped! WOW I couldnt believe when I heard that. His failed prediction must have had a bad effect on his health.
On a lighter note, I found out tonight, or rather tomorrow early in the morning, there will be a lunar eclipse visable from all over Australia! How exciting! I might have to take some pics or something to share if I dont puss out cause its so cold lol. And speaking of puss....... lol...... the cat is really loving our bed lately. I go away and come back and hes stretched out sleeping in the middle of the blankets and pillows all comfy cozy Delighted to be there. Makes me laugh every time. Cute little bastard.



Time for some WOW with lovey, See you all real soon! :)

World of fricken Warcraft!!

OH MY GAWD!! Its been like a couple of months I havent played WOW because loveys computer went fail... we thought it was the motherboard but it was just a ram issue. All that time it was such an easy fix and we had no idea! We were looking for a whole new computer for him. Still might though cause he really wants Intel i5. Me, I'm good with my shit lil Acer notebook. I love this damn thing lol. It does what I need it to do. Plays my favorite game, World of Warcraft, gets on the internet, the facebook lol, checks my email and news, if there's been earthquakes, searches for information for new mommy stuff. You know... and it plays videos for me so Im good. If the screens too small we just hook it up to loveys monitor cause hes hooked his PC to the big ass
t.v. hes got.

ANYWAY, enough about that. I'm feeling really content today, even with all the things I have to worry about, and I mean really hard core troubling things lol! The shit I'm in is intense! And its going to be a real challenge to keep my life from falling apart... I mean like one thing goes wrong and this happiness will be over type of trouble I'm in. But despite all that, I do feel really happy. I feel like I'm not reminded of my issues as much as I have been, like I'm feeling more like I have a place I belong and I'm safe and don't have to be upset about the things in the past because I'm in a place where its really safe to move on. The trouble sometimes is that I'm so worried Ill end up back where I was, cause its so easy to get this all taken away from me, that things come back up for me when I'm afraid Ill lose what I have here. If that makes sense..... I talk in riddles cause I cant tell anyone whats really going on. I have to protect my secrets for a while longer, until I get it all sorted out... then for sure Ill be talking all about it on my blog lol! Blogging is wonderful therapy.

Well then I hope your all doing well too! Its tea time here (dinner for my American friends) so Im off, and then to play my belovedWorld of Warcraft with lovey :) We have matching Tauren Paladins lol! But my Tauren is black.

Star Trek totally amuses me

Which is super strange because I remember up to a couple of years ago, I fricken HATED that damn show. My mother loved that show when I was a kid and watched it to no end. Like clockwork all the time every night Star Trek Star Trek Star Trek. I started making lyrics to the theme song that insult the characters on the show. A couple of years ago though, something clicked. One day I just watched an ep of the next generation and I loved it and couldn't get enough. I would go on justin.tv to watch it and started referring to Commander Riker as "Beard". I love captain Picard, and now Kirk as well. Leonard Nimoy is amazing! Spock is the best ever Vulcan.

What is wrong with me seriously? How the hell did I become a Trekkie? Its so strange. Now Matty loves the original series of Star Trek and we have been watching that here and there. He also showed me the movie, the one from 2009 I think it was. I loved it so much. ridiculous! My mom is probably shaking her head at her computer screen to all the youtube Star Trek videos I share on facebook and saying "I told you it was awesome". I totally want to cosplay a Star Trek character. That would be epic fun.

Here is an awesome fan made Captain Picard song remix I found today, its awesome! Check it out if you feel inclined to, either way...... Live Long and Prosper! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2u11CSLcrs&NR=1

Mommy stuff...

I have no idea what to think anymore. I feel strange saying that Ill be a mom. Its new and weird to me, especially when it surfaces so many of my own old issues and resentments toward my own family. This whole experience so far is alien and foreign to me... no pun intended considering I'm in a foreign country. So many things to deal with, get used to and consider. That's not easy for any new parent, but those of you who know about my current situation and the challenges I'm facing with this secret problem I have, know that its even more of a challenge for me than just simply becoming a mom.

Besides that, I am constantly worried and full of what ifs and cant get to sleep at night like usual. I have severe psychological issues that I don't want effecting my child, but how do I deal with myself and get past those things so I can be a good parent? I don't know, lol, I walk into this like most everyone else... blinded and naive. Not to go all cliche, but new babies don't come with a manual. You have to figure it out as you go.

I feel really lucky to have such a supportive man in my life. He doesent get angry at me for the problems I have. He listens to me, and helps with whatever he can help with. Hes the bestest friend Ive ever had. Im lucky to have survived my own families bullshit and at least become a descent person with morals and boundaries that differ greatly from thiers. When your raised the way I was you turn out one of two ways: you end up just like your parents, or... like me, your the complete oposite of them. Im happy to be so different from my parents. Im alot like my siblings though it seems.

One of the biggest problems Ive had in the last 11 years has been getting to the next level of healing. When I was a teenager and in foster care, I went through lots of therapy and counseling. Even though most of the time I was an uncooperative teenage brat, Therapists got me talking about my issues. Before therapy I kept it all in till I did terrible things to myself trying to relieve my aggression or sadness. But once therapy got me talking about what happened, I couldn't shut up about it. I always tell people what happened. But that's where I'm stuck. I can talk about it now but talking isn't helping anymore. Whats next in the healing process? I'm clueless. At almost 18 years old, I got released from the states custody and lost access to the care I was getting. I wasn't ready for the next step yet. Now that I'm ready, I have no access to therapy or counseling and have to figure it out myself... but what is the next step? What am I missing? What do I do to feel liberated from the problems I'm so willing to talk about? What do I do to stop the emotions and fears from effecting my daily life?

If anyone knows, please tell me.

p.s. sorry I don't blog often lately, poor Matty got a cold and I have been feeling shetty as well so I just haven't got off my lazy bum to do anything lol. I just lay here and play games on DS and watch Star Trek.

Live long and prosper,
Kass